I don’t have kids. I know its tough with kids. My sister is getting a divorce and has kids. It sucks, but not as much as staying in a bad relationship. Get out. You can do it. You have the strength. Just go through the motions. Now.

one thing about photography, it’s hard to get paid. i’m a little worried. i need some paid work. ok… good energy… no whammies…

one thing i’m glad about is that i don’t have to deal with alcoholism in my day to day life. i don’t even have to drink. alcohol is no longer a part of my daily fears… the only time it plays a part anymore is if i go down to the swanky cocktail lounge and order a fabulous drink. thank god. i’m so so so glad of that. i never ever want to be the significant other of an alcoholic ever again. it’s too hard. it’s too crazy.

i spoke with jim the other day. he wants to get together and talk about his new girlfriend and where that leaves our relationship. he said he called me and now it’s my turn to call him. no thanks. i really don’t need that. i don’t need any kind of controlling weird stuff. i don’t need to discuss his new relationship. and i don’t need to be his friend. i really really don’t need his friendship. that doesn’t mean i don’t miss him, or what we had when it was good, but that doesn’t exist anymore and i want to live my life in a happy way. i’ve noted every time i speak with him or see him i walk away feeling down. no thanks. i think i’ll watch the comedy channel by myself.

Now that she’s left she’s interested in life again. She’s interested in men again. Parts of her that she thought were gone are reawakening. She’s laughing. Planting flowers. Flirting. Being funny. It’s amazing how much one can blossom when a constant threat of negativity is gone. The kids are adjusting. They’re excited to have two homes. Then again, they’re little.

Me… I’m photographing for designers. My book deal fell through. Anyway. Now I’ve done two designer shoots. The first got nationwide attention and I’m hoping will get picked up by a major magazine. The second I shot today in a seven hour shoot with two locations and four models. I can’t seem to catch up with my workload. But I’m getting there.

I’ve got to say things are looking up. It’s proving to be a good year. A year for change. A year to make decisions. A year of choice.

Jim asked me to coffee on Sunday. I said I already had plans. And I did. It was lovely. I still love and miss him, but I’ll never go back. I’m waiting for someone wonderful to come around. A partner in life. Someone who holds me up, and someone I adore.

Unfortunately Jim’s dog had issues. Lots of them. The humane society recommended putting the dog down, so Jim took him out to the woods and shot him. He’s devastated. He says he’s never cried this much in his life.

My heart breaks for him and I’m slightly horrified, and know I shouldn’t be. The horses were shot at the ranch I worked at when they weren’t going to make it. Cows are shot to make my steaks. I know a lot of hunters. I guess it’s scary to think you can end the life of something you love so much, and its over for good, so fast. His dog was only just over a year old. Still a puppy and totally healthy. It breaks my heart, and it breaks my heart for him.

So long little guy. We all loved you and will miss you.

I got a book deal today. I’ll be the solo photographer on a new genre of books. I’m under a confidentiality agreement or I’d dish it all. But I’m really proud of myself. I won the personality contest even though they said I was the least qualified. It came down to two photographers. Me and another photographer who has been published in National Geographic and has had several other cover stories with crazy cool magazines. But they want to work with ME! It’s a major book with a major publishing company… and it’s totally different then anything I’ve ever done.

They said they just “had a feeling about me” and they believe I’m the best person for the job. Wow! How awesome is that? I’m very happy.

Funny. Because when they first contacted me “I just had a feeling” about it. Something about this is going to change my life. I don’t know how, or what, but I have a feeling that I really need to pay attention. I “know” somethings about to happen.

Paige is slick, smart, and wholly adorable. A runner. An artist. An hourglass figure from Alaska. Perfectly charming. She makes the funniest comments, listens really well and has been the most observant from everyone I’ve lived with. She emptied the dishwasher when it was clean and she went out and bought the grocery list for the house on the very day I wrote it. (miracles do happen) She asked me about my family.

Then she asked me where my mother was.

I changed the subject.

I used to wonder and worry about what to say when someone asked me about her. The simplest thing which wouldn’t really be a lie would be to say that I lost my mother when I was a teenager. The most shocking thing to me is that it never came up before. Only one person has ever actually asked and his mother was so fucked up it was easy to share. Paige asked. Weird. Crazy. Someone actually noticed who was missing from my verbal family portrait. The sky must be falling.

So where is she? I know the answer. She’s an armed body guard, or provides an armed body guard to clients in the Los Angeles area. She has a new family and a new life. But her life will forever be interwoven with mine and my sisters. We all come from the same small town. Her new husband and family too. We all know what really happened. And then I hear she’s still claiming my sisters and I as her own when she left us more then half a lifetime ago. It’s crazy. But then again she’s crazy… and that was always the whole problem.

I texted my sister Anna when he went to get us some more drinks at the show. Oh god. I texted her about how great he was… then later I realized that I had accidentally texted him that message instead of Anna. I am a dork. Good grief.

I brought him home. Not my usual m.o. but he was wonderful and how could I resist? Perhaps it was all those drinks. We were all over each other all night. Then he snored. Not sure if I can deal with that. And he’s out of shape. And he has a lot of hair. He was extremely passionate but in the way that he was practically saying “I love you” by morning. He called and wants to take me to dinner on Monday. I’ll go, but I’m going to hold back. I need this to go way way slower.

Anna is happier then I’ve seen her in years. Leaving was the best thing for her.

Time to let go.

Tomorrow she’ll go to therapy with him. She’s going to officially tell him she wants a divorce. She’s done. She wants the counselors help to make it as amicable as possible. She wants to file the papers this week.

And that’s it. Just going through the motions.